


Don't Be You

by KiggyKatty



Category: Original Work
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Anxiety, Author Is Not Religious, Blood and Injury, Cutting, Depression, Not Beta Read, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, The Author Regrets Everything, Thought Projection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22455385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiggyKatty/pseuds/KiggyKatty
Summary: Destiny can't be herself. She's part of a new group chat and struggles to keep up her facade. She cannot be herself if she wants to keep them from hating her.I was projecting a whole lot on the main character. I also wrote this in a short period of time and it's not beta-ed, so it's horrible. But I just needed to get this out before I combusted.Please read this knowing I do not support any of these actions, I just needed to do this for my own personal reasons. The character reflects me in a very emotional sense, as there isn't a single thought written in this work that I haven't thought. This work is basically a reflection of how my morning went, give or take a few scenes.
Kudos: 2





	Don't Be You

**Author's Note:**

> Scenes of self-harm and blood, as well as suicidal thoughts. Beware, you've been warned.

Destiny rolled over in her twin-sized bed, only to be met with a fat fluffy cat sitting on her desk staring down at her. She smiled and reached out to run her fingers through the soft fur, earning a loud meow.

“Morning Toffee.”

Toffee turned and jumped off the desk, heading for the window on the other side of the messy room.

Destiny laid there for a few minutes, staring up at the ceiling. What time was it? The room was pitch black, aside from the phone lighting up next to her with a new notification from Discord.

After what was probably the hundredth notification, she picked up the phone and blearily looked through her Discord messages. So much for that  _ Do Not Disturb _ setting.

She read through a few of the messages, but ultimately marked them as read and muted the group chat. They wouldn’t even notice if she wasn’t active, no matter her role in it. There were others that could replace her, others that are more active. She was only chosen because she’s active, there was nothing actually special about her.

_ No. _

Destiny pushed herself up and off her bed. She couldn’t think like that, couldn’t go back down that rabbit hole. The new group chat was meant to be the first step in her new ‘persona’. They couldn’t see the real whiny and impulsive her. Thinking such negative thoughts will only lead to her demise.

She stepped over the pile of trash on her floor and headed for the only bathroom in the three-bedroom apartment, leaving the bathroom door cracked and turning the light on. As she bent over to clean the bathtub, she avoided looking at herself in the mirror. That would only lead to more negative thoughts.

“Enjoy your nap?”

Destiny turned around to see her mom. “How was work?” If she was home it was at least one in the morning.

“It was fine, George said I can’t have chocolate at work anymore. I get too hyper.” Her mom leaned against the door frame, watching as her youngest daughter went back to cleaning out the bathtub.

Destiny nodded, wishing her mom would just leave her alone. But that was rude and would show that something was wrong. But wasn’t that what she wanted? For someone to know something was wrong? No. No that would ruin all her work. “Guess you shouldn’t take chocolate to work anymore. You’ll drive your co-workers insane.”

Her mom scoffed and started back for her bedroom down the hall. “They’re already insane. Don’t be in the bath long, I need a shower at some point tonight.”

Destiny nodded and plugged the bathtub. Baths fixed everything. She would hold onto that belief with all her being.

The water was warm, nearly too hot when she stepped into the tiny pool of water. She reached over and grabbed her phone, pure need to have attention taking over her.

Only two people were active in the group chat. They were playing Minecraft. How could she join the conversation? Should she just wait until the morning?

A meow brought her out of her thoughts. At some point, Knight had come into the room and jumped up on the ledge of the tub.

Destiny smiled and pet the black cat. “Hi Baby, is Mommy in the bath again? I shouldn’t be, huh?”

Knight lowered her head and sniffed at the water before hesitantly dipping her  tongue in it and lapping at the warm water.

Destiny left the cat to her own devices and turned her attention back to the phone in her hand, eyeing the call that had popped up on her screen. The two on Minecraft were the only ones in the call. If she joined would they notice her? They had to, right? Discord made a sound whenever someone joined the call.

She bit her lip and messaged in the chat.

** Dez: I’ve risen from my coffin of sleep **

Her heartbeat thundered in her chest and she swore if anyone was in the same room, they’d hear it. She absently picked at the scabbed skin on her lips with her free hand, eyes focused on the LED screen for any sign of them typing.

** BlackWidow ** ** : DEZ **

** BlackWidow: HI **

Destiny felt the beginnings of a smile, her mouth curving upwards just so. She bit the inside of her cheek before she got carried away. It wasn’t  actual excitement of her arrival. They couldn’t care less if she was there or not. She couldn’t be selfish with  them; this was going to end when  summer came anyway.

** Dez: Wyd? **

** BlackWidow: Wither skull hunting **

** Dez: Coolio. **

She closed out of discord and opened up Google Chrome. Fanfiction and baths always helped her forget her issues. Or dwell on them more. But she wouldn’t do that, she had to immerse herself into this new persona. They’d only hate her more if they learned her true self. Everyone would.

“Follow the script and you’ll be okay. Meet their expectations and they won’t hate you. Be useful and they won’t toss you away. Don’t be you,” She muttered under her breath as she sifted through her tabs for a fanfiction that interested her.

But even after going through all her 47 tabs she couldn’t find a single fanfiction she wanted to read. She turned her screen off and let the device fall to the floor next to the bathtub.

She sunk further into the water, making sure to keep her hands dry.

She knew this kind of dependence on people she just met a few months ago wasn’t healthy, in the slightest. But they were the only people who talked to her anymore. Before them, she had only had a few friends, and they all stopped talking to her.

That wasn’t an excuse. They didn’t sign up to listen to her, they signed up to be in a comfortable space. She just needed to accept that and back away. Strictly professional was best for cases like this. Be helpful and don’t complain. Don’t give them a reason to hate you.

Water splashed as Destiny stood up and drained the tub. She didn’t think, just acted as she wrapped the towel around her body and grabbed her phone.

She knew it was a bad idea, knew it was wrong. But...But when did she do things that were good for her?

A Cold Gear ice block from the freezer to help numb the skin and a box cutter from the pencil cup on her desk.

The teenager laid the two objects on her bed and quickly threw on a shirt and underwear before she played a random YouTube video on her laptop.

Ice helped numb the skin before piercings, right? Surely, it’d help here too.

She kept her eyes on her video as she pressed the ice block to the inside of her arm and held it there with a towel. At first, it burned, but after at least two minutes the skin was blister red and nearly completely numb. She only kept her eyes away from the screen long enough to push the blade out to its full length and to position it.

Unlike the times before she barely felt when the blade swiped across the skin. But it wasn’t deep enough. It took a minute before the blood bubbled up.  So, she tried again, starting from step one.

The second swipe she put as much force in it as she dared, watching as the blood bubbled up after only a few seconds. But it still wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t bleeding enough, wasn’t coming out fast enough

She did it again, and again with the same process. Ice then swipe. She pulled and tugged at the skin, desperate to see the blood slide down her arm. Her brain stopped working; she wasn’t thinking, only acting.

Only when her nerves felt like they were on fire did she stop. The ice no longer numbed her arm, instead with the open cuts and the ice block it seemed to set her arm on fire. That type of pain wasn’t good. She didn’t like pain. She just wanted to see the blood seeping from her skin, watch it until her vision blurred and she passed out.

The YouTube video ended, and like a switch, Destiny wanted to tell someone what she just did. Wanted to talk to someone. She wanted to tell the group chat, wanted to feel the soft warmth in her chest from knowing someone cared. But that care is an illusion, and that would ruin her façade.

Before she could open Discord and message  them, she dialed the one person she knew would reliably answer.

“Hello?”

“Brittney help. Remember the new group chat I joined? I don’t want them to find out my whiny attention-seeking bitch self. But all I want to do is be whiny and complain.” Destiny took her discarded towel and dabbed at the cuts before tugging at the skin. It couldn’t stop bleeding. Not yet.

“I don’t know what to tell you aside from faking it. They’re  gonna find out your true self eventually.”

“They won’t if I never meet them. None are within an hour of me.”

There were voices in the background, most likely Brittney’s siblings.

“So then just fake it. All you do is complain about your life and whine until you get attention if you’re that desperate to not let them find out who you are then just fake it.”

Destiny picked at her lip, flinching when she picked too deep and her bottom lip started bleeding.

“What are you doing?” A voice in the background yelled at Brittney. Destiny recognized it as Brittney’s mom.

“I gotta go.”

Before Destiny could say bye, the call ended. But a few moments later Brittney called her back.

Destiny answered it with the best chipper voice she could manage. “Yello?”

“Don’t call me this early again.”

Destiny felt her mood sink, listening to Brittney’s muffled voice in the background. “Okay.”

“You know I have school in a few hours and have to help with the kids. Don’t call me until after school for the day is over. Talking to you on the phone is taking time away from my duties at the house.”

“Okay.”

Destiny pulled the phone away from her ear and ended the call, feeling her chest throb. She did it again. She troubled someone because she’s a whiny child who doesn’t know how to shut up for the life of her.

She put the ice block on her desk next to the box cutter and laid down on her bed. The bleeding had slowed down a considerable amount. She stretched and tugged at the skin once more.

If she went to sleep now, without taking care of the cuts, would she bleed out more? She hadn’t cut deep enough for her life to be in danger, which was just as fortunate as it was unfortunate. Did she want to die? She didn’t know anymore.

She rolled over and closed her eyes.

“Follow the script and you’ll be okay. Meet their expectations and they won’t hate you. Be useful and they won’t toss you away. Don’t be you.”

As she fell into sleep once again, a small part of her wished she wouldn’t wake up.


End file.
